Do You Still Want To Have Sex Or Not After Fifty?
Think about it now: it's an important question!
As the story of John and Mary demonstrates, a great deal of the cause of sexual failure has its roots in the mind. Many men and women use the changes of mid-life as an excuse to stop having sex. They seize on the pretext of feeling ill, of hot flushes or headaches, of increasing fatness or tiredness, of business responsibilities, or work, for rejecting any sexual approach that may be made to them or for refusing to make any response that is expected of them.
What they are really saying is that they are so bored with sex that it no longer has any attraction for them. Or rather I should say, they are so bored with sex with their partner that it has no attraction for them any more. R is sixty-seven, his wife fifty-nine. They have been married for twenty-seven years. He is a retired schoolmaster, but his wife is still teaching. They do not entertain very much: 'Perhaps once a month an old friend will call.' R is an amateur musician, playing three instruments and holding two diplomas. Mrs R's hobby is visiting stately homes, which she can only do occasionally. He does not accompany her, as he has arthritis in both ankles, and finds walking for long difficult.
At twelve stone, R is not overweight for his height (five feet ten inches) and age. Mrs R, who is five feet nine inches, and weighs ten stone, is trim and neat. She has good health, neither smokes nor drinks. R takes 'pills prescribed by my doctor to relieve the pain in my ankles'. Neither, had ever had a high sex-drive and they did not make love more often than once in four days. They share a double bed, but never have intercourse now, though R would like to very much, at least once a week. R does still have strong involuntary erections; that is, he can have an erection without direct stimulation of the penis. (At sixty-seven, this is quite an achievement.)
Mrs R had an early menopause, beginning at forty and finishing by forty-five. She was even lower-sexed than her husband. They used few sex positions and even fewer techniques. 'She required stimulation of the clitoris for never less than half an hour to bring her to the point where penetration was more or less easy. Very often she would let me stimulate her for an hour before she asked me to go into her. I have never really known whether she reached orgasm or not. She never seemed to give any sign that she had come. I always had to ask her, and she always said yes, though I think she may have come much less often than she claimed. Sometimes I would have very much liked her to take the active role from beginning to end, but I couldn't ask her to.'
The Rs have not made love for the last fifteen years. R says, 'My wife is completely uninterested in sex. For myself, I feel the urge as much as I did thirty years ago, but have no chance at my age of getting sex elsewhere!' This is by no means uncommon. Since the very first weeks of their marriage, they have never taken their sex seriously as part of their lives, and certainly they have not used it as a visible symbol of their love for one another. So long as they were both satisfied by it, sex once in four days was all they needed. But they could have made this love-making exciting by developing a varied technique of fore-play, and using a variety of sex positions - even six or seven positions gives quite a choice. Mr R made no attempt to stimulate his wife in more exciting ways, possibly because his sexual desire was satisfied by his (probably not very intense) orgasms.
The result of this laziness and lack of interest was that they were bored by sex. She welcomed the menopause as an excuse to stop having sex, and he made no attempt to woo her all over again. Ironically, at sixty-seven his sex-urge is strong, and this has made him bitter so that he feels his marriage has become a mockery and would dearly like a divorce. I advised him to find someone to have sex with him, even if it meant buying sex from a sex worker from time to time. I don't think he would have to do this - there are lots of understanding middle-aged women ready to become an attractive man's mistress, if not his wife.
In contrast, let us consider the Ys. Y is fifty-two, Mrs Y is fifty. They have been married for thirty years and have two children, one of whom, a student, lives at home in the holidays. Mr Y is a secretary and Mrs Y manages a shop. At five feet eleven-and-a-half inches and weighing fourteen stone, he is over-weight, though not grossly so, and has developed a bit of a belly. Mrs Y is five feet four inches and weighs nine stone four pounds, which is average for her age and height. She keeps a watch over her figure and appearance. Both enjoy perfect health and take no drugs of any sort. Mrs Y has completed the menopause.
When they were younger they made love every day, and now (at fifty-two and fifty) they still enjoy sex every night when it is possible. Y is away from home quite a lot, however, and they are not often able to make love every consecutive night, but they make up for this deficiency during the week, by four or five sessions of love-making through to orgasm on Saturdays and Sundays. He has very strong erections which he is able to sustain for an hour and a half at least. Mrs Y has mastered the technique of having multiple orgasms and often comes seven, eight or nine times to his once. He has equally acquired perfect control over his progress to orgasm.
From the beginning they have been adventurous in their sex play. They use oral sex a lot, though, somewhat strangely, they seldom deep-kiss. They make use of between fifteen and twenty variations of positions, and make love in the sitting-room, in the bath, in the car, in the country in fact, anywhere they happen to be and feel the urge, and are assured of privacy. 'We have found,' they say, 'that you just try to have intercourse when you feel like it, and not wait.' If anything, since Mrs Y completed her menopause they make love more frequently than they did in the five years or so before she began it. Their one regret is that they have not more time for sex.
Mr Y's penis is four-and-a-half inches flaccid, six inches erect, and five inches in circumference when erect; that is, of average length but slightly fatter than average. Mrs Y's clitoris is three-quarters of an inch above the vaginal-entrance and about the size of a small pea when fully erect; that is, average both in position and size. When using the conventional face-to-face-man-above sex position, Y does not make thrusting movements, but circular ones, as his wife finds this movement gives her more satisfaction. His penis does not touch the clitoris directly, but this circular movement stimulates the general clitoral area and induces a series of rapid orgasms in Mrs Y. The application of this circular movement also explains why Y is able to sustain sex for never less than half an hour, and often as long as an hour, before he ejaculates; firstly, because the circular movement is less tiring than the thrusting one, and secondly, the movement is much less stimulating to the penis than the backwards-and-forwards movement; Y is, therefore, helped to control his progress to orgasm, though he also has a great level of ejaculatory control. In other positions, direct penis-clitoris contact is not achieved except in rear-entry sex positions with the woman kneeling. If she supports herself on her hands, contact is not made, but if she bends right down, with her face on the pillows, there is direct contact, and she can achieve up to nine orgasms in sex lasting three-quarters of an hour.
The experience of the Ys, who are, it will be remembered, fifty-two and fifty respectively, shows up the dismal failure of the Rs. They are a happy couple, very much in love, who have complete faith and trust in one another, not only sexually, but also in life generally. There is no dissatisfaction, no bitterness, and they show that sexual activity in later life can be just as rewarding as in earlier years.
Many couples in the early fifties whose wives have completed the menopause say much the same as the Ys. A good example from the sixty to seventy age-group are the Bs. He is sixty-one and she is seventy. They have been married for thirty-four years, which means that Mrs B married fairly late in life, at thirty-six, to a husband of twenty-seven. This is quite a large gap, especially when the wife is the senior partner, and one could reasonably have expected a breakdown in sexual activity in later fife. But B, who is five feet seven inches and slightly over-weight at eleven stone seven pounds, is a retired engineer who is now teaching. Mrs B, who is five feet three inches and weighs ten stone four pounds, is a retired teacher. Both describe their general health as quite good, but Mrs B takes blood pressure medication.
Mrs B says, 'We have had a very happy married life but I'm sure it could have been happier if we had been on our own. I had a strict upbringing with sex repressed. My father, who was a widower, lived with us for the first nine years.' When the father died, the Bs' son was five years old. She was then forty-five. She taught for fifteen years, retiring at sixty. She was sixty-seven when the son left home and they at last had their home to themselves.
However, despite Mrs B's upbringing with regard to sex, and position of looking after an aged father, and despite the difference in their ages, they did develop a satisfying sex-life. They made love two or three times a week. He had some difficulty in controlling his approach to orgasm in the early years, but they rarely spent less than half an hour on their love-making. Mrs B always reached orgasm, and did so without difficulty, largely as a result of their fairly adventurous sexual technique, which included cunnilingus. They also used a variety of sexual positions, including rear-entry with the wife kneeling. They usually made love at night, though they occasionally did so during the day, but always in the bedroom because of the presence of the father or son in the house. B would like her to give him fellatio, and while she has not refused, she isn't that keen on it. But she likes fondling his penis with her hand and caressing all of the rest of his body.
Let me quote Mr. B. 'The age difference was seen by my relatives as being ill-advised, but I can honestly say that from that day to this the difference to me has simply not existed. This is due in part to my wife having an unusually young-looking body which is highly attractive to me, and this, along with a warm and loving nature, has helped our sex life. Unfortunately, my wife had very little sex knowledge when we married, which was not surprising taking into account her background. But it did make it difficult for me to introduce new sex techniques. Due to caring for my father-in-law and our son living at home, it's only during the last three years that we've experienced the freedom which we should have had during the first few years of our married life, to become really sexually expert. But far from complaining, I am enjoying all the more the closeness and intimate freedom which is putting new life into our love for one another.'
Mrs B explains this in a little more detail. 'When I was teaching, I was often tired. It is only since we have had the house completely to ourselves after my son's marriage three years ago that we have felt that complete freedom. Our attitude to sex has entirely altered and we have recently enjoyed it more and more.
Here we have a couple for whom, in late middle-age, sex took on a new lease of life, deepening their love for one another in the process. The Bs are now having intercourse with the same frequency that they had when they were first married (two or three times a week), and this despite some difficulty B has with his erection failing after he has gone into his wife. (He has used Viagra to help with this.) But Mrs B - who is seventy, don't forget - has an orgasm every time they make love. She has never achieved orgasm during actual sexual intercourse throughout their marriage. Either he has brought her off by cunnilingus before he has gone into her, or by stimulating her clitoris with his finger after he has ejaculated. I have recently had a letter from him saying that his recent treatment has improved his erections and though the penis 'may sometimes not be as stiff as I'd wish, it stays stiff while I am in her long enough for me to reach orgasm and ejaculate. At sixty-one this isn't too bad, I suppose; but in any case, I am quite happy because I can orgasm whenever I feel like it. My wife is much relieved, too, because, although she still does not reach orgasm while I am in her, she is happier that I can now come each time she does, whereas for a time I would bring her off without being able to have an orgasm myself.'
The story of the Bs shows, in a quietly dramatic way, what can be done if two people, not highly-sexed, set their minds to their sex-lives in late middle-age. From their marriage they had been quietly interested in sex, and while not so adventurous in their love-making, had nevertheless enjoyed a repertoire of sex techniques which prevented it from becoming boring. In contrast to the highly-sexed Ys their sexual experience is quiet and unflamboyant. The Ys could not go wrong, because of their sexual natures and their sexual curiosity. The Bs could have gone wrong, but had avoided boredom and when, for the first time in their married lives, they had their home to themselves, they found a new freedom in which their love became deeper and more intimate, with sex as a visible sign of their mutual respect and love.
Pre-middle-age boredom with sex is one of the two great enemies of a happy and satisfactory sex life in middle age and beyond. It does not matter whether an individual or a couple is highly sexed, averagely sexed, or low sexed - a satisfactory and satisfying sex life can be achieved. Conversely, the highly sexed can become sexually inactive and frustrated unless they seek sexual outlets outside the relationship.
Women are, I believe, slightly more susceptible to sexual boredom than men, and for this reason. Whether a man takes care over his love-making or just thrusts and ejaculates, he rarely fails to come, and though the orgasm may not be all that great, it can still be a worthwhile experience and provide sexual relief. But for the vast majority of women, even those who reach orgasm easily, the achievement of orgasm takes time and a careful sexual technique. In other words, sex for the woman is often a far more calculated process than it is for the man; and unless the man has acquired sexual techniques which produce the greatest pleasure for the woman, she may well lose interest in sex. Even if she loves her partner and wants to give him pleasure, she can very easily withdraw from sex herself; and, good though her intentions may be, one-sided sex is no true expression of love. Mrs M is a good example of what I mean.
Mrs M is sixty-five, and her husband seventy. They have been married for forty-four years and have three children. She has not worked outside the home; he is retired. At five feet ten-and-a-half inches, M is not over-weight at twelve stone, nor is Mrs M at nine stone for her five feet two inches. Neither smokes, and they drink very little. Until shortly before Mrs M had her menopause, they made love three times a week. 'Now we make love three times a year, perhaps,' says Mr M, 'though I feel the urge at least weekly. I did not have any difficulty in learning to control my ejaculation - I never tried to - little control was necessary, as my wife preferred short intercourse - say, five to ten minutes. That was all the time it took her to come.'
Their sexual technique was simple; he would stimulate her clitoris with his fingers and suck her nipples and she would fondle his penis. They used only the face to face man on top sex position; their one variation was woman on top, except that sometimes when they were young, they would have sex standing up when out on country walks.
'I don't have any trouble getting an erection, but my penis never gets as stiff now as it used to. I think it would get stiffer if she would kiss it or stroke it more, but apart from playing a minute or two with my penis, she does nothing. What I would like her to do most of all is to suck my penis. I asked her to once and she did, but she was so afraid I would ejaculate in her mouth, though I promised her wouldn't, that she would do it only for a few seconds, and I never liked to ask her again. But sometimes I get such a craving for it that I just don't know what to do. If only she would be a little more exciting and adventurous, but now she is more passive than ever. I have absolutely no idea whether she has ever had an orgasm or not. At the beginning I used to ask her if she had come, but she never really said. "Don't worry about me," she used to say. "If you're satisfied, I'm happy." I would often suggest making love at times during the day, but she always put it off.'
The picture emerges of Mrs M having practically no interest in sexual activity herself, but being quite prepared to allow M to satisfy his sexual needs with her - because she understood his urge to do this - so long as he did not take too long about it. But it is her acquiescence in an almost completely passive role that has frustrated M most. If she had fought him a little, or he had not been the gentleman that he obviously is, or had used his imagination and tried to produce a more active participation in sex, he would have been far less complaining than he is now.
In fact, the root of his complaint lies in himself, for she is still as compliant as ever she was, and would undoubtedly join him in intercourse more frequently if he showed he wanted it. 'When we were young and out for walks together we often had intercourse standing up. Today she says that this would make her uncomfortable, so I find a suitable spot and masturbate, and she understands that I like her to watch. Sometimes, when she knows that I'm feeling a bit randy, she offers to help me masturbate. I say "help", because her hand quickly gets tired. I now find this as satisfying as intercourse, and that is why I don't insist that she lets me go into her.'
Here, then, we have four types of cases, in only one of which are sexual matters just as they should be. Lack of adventurousness in sex quickly leads to boredom, and boredom with sex then introduces all kinds of psychological issues which eventually bring about disharmony in the relationship. Where there is sexual harmony based on openness between the two partners, and a technique which provides a wide variety in lovemaking and intercourse (the wider the better), there is far less likelihood of psychological and emotional difficulties arising. That is to say - if you look after the physical side of making love and sex, the psychological side often looks after itself.
This certainly applies to sex between two people in transition from the peak of sexual activity to the declining maturity of midlife. Where there has been a happy sexual relationship with a variety of sexual activity, that sexual activity has not only continued into middle-age and beyond, but has become an even more expanded experience; but for most couples, if sex has has never played a significant part before midlife, it usually ceases to play a significant part in middle age and after-middle-age.
Women who have become bored with sex, may use the menopause as a reason for avoiding sex. Mind you, the faults are not all on the woman's side. The man aids and abets her, though he may protest that he would like sex, but his wife won't co-operate. More often than not, you will find that the partner of these women is a man who "lets himself go" physically after fifty. He develops a paunch, he smokes and drinks moderately or even heavily; all three things physically affect his sexual responses.
And some men make work responsibilities an excuse for discontinuing sexual activity, or slowing them down. Work responsibilities are indeed tiring, but it is not just the work which provides his worries. Children are more expensive than they have ever been. Wages and salaries may lag behind needs. The early years of middle-age can be trying and worrying years, and are made harder by some of the unavoidable physical changes which overtake a man at this time.
As I have said earlier, some men panic when they become aware that they are slowing down physically, and some even indulge in unusual behavior in order to prove to themselves that they are not as old as they feel. But far more withdraw from sex to some degree using their physical tiredness as an excuse. But a man has to be very tired indeed before he becomes sexually unresponsive. And here's the irony: making love when you are tired, if it is taken gently, and perhaps with the woman as the active partner, can be more relaxing than the deepest sleep. Orgasm provides relief both sexual relief and relief from stress. It relaxes the mind wonderfully. Therefore saying "no sex" because you're tired is not such a good reason for avoiding an enjoyable session of love-making with a great orgasm. And then sleep will be more refreshing too.
But what about sexual ignorance? Does it still exist, even in these enlightened days? I had this email the other day from a woman: "My husband, who is fifty-four, has decided not to have intercourse any more. He says that he has read somewhere that ejaculation of semen places a greater and greater physical strain on a man after he has reached fifty, and that if he continues to have regular sex he will have a shorter expectation of fife than if he shuns sex altogether. Is there any truth in this? If not will you please do your best to convince him there is not. I hope there is not, because, although I am fifty, I still have strong sex urges, despite the fact that I have got over the menopause, and I would be very unhappy indeed if I thought I would have to go without sex for the rest of my life."
There is no truth in the idea that sex after fifty drains a man of some essential energy. But, if he begins to find ejaculation tiring, then he can enjoy intercourse but not take it as far as ejaculation every time.
As I have said, women seem easily able to withdraw from active sex. This is not true of men. Even where a man doesn't try to adjust to his changing sexual requirements, there are times - unless he is totally impotent - when his sexuality will impinge on his consciousness by means of morning erections. An erection, whether it is involuntarily or voluntarily induced, gives rise to sexual thoughts. These serve to remind the man that the fire that once burned in his loins has not completely gone out. Often, if he does not get sex, bitterness and resentment soon follow.
In some relationships, when the woman doesn't have to worry about pregnancy any more, her sexual desire may take on qualities which it never had before. Suddenly she finds that she wants to enjoy sex at double the frequency that she did when she was in her mid-thirties and forties; and she finds, too, that sex and love-making has become a vastly more pleasurable experience than she can ever remember it. If she is married to a sexually lazy man, she can become frustrated and bitter. What upsets her, almost as much as being deprived of sex, is her inability to arouse her man sexually. She takes great trouble with her appearance; she makes herself physically desirable. That was how she won her lover at the beginning, and she believes she should be able to win him this way now. But she is brushed aside with his superficial rejection -'I'm sorry, I'm too tired.'
Sometimes a sexually reinvigorated woman may demand so much of a man that he develops psychological impotence - he feel he cannot keep up with her. Many women feel this kind of rejection even more acutely. They regard their partner's impotence as the final insult, chiefly because there is nothing they can do about it.
I know one such couple. Before and during the menopause, she was overweight and dressed accordingly. Then suddenly a transformation began, and was so striking that no-one could help noticing it. But as time passed the sparkle went out of her eyes.
Before long they were bickering, not between themselves in private, but in public. They said the most unpleasant things to one another, at first making pointed veiled comments and later direct references to the other's sexual failings. (He: 'You're sex mad.' She : 'He can't even get it up.') She was much more cruel than he was, but if she had understood the psychology of male sexuality, she would have realized that her treatment of him would not restore his virility, but destroy it even more.
While I have a good deal of sympathy for him, I have to admit that basically the fault lies with him. I do not believe he was so blind that he did not notice the physical transformation in her - she is a very attractive woman indeed - though he might have been thick-headed enough, at first, not to appreciate that the motive behind the transformation was sexual. But she obviously simply put on more pressure when she found he was not responding to her seduction. He might have worked something out with her early on, but now the hostility is so great that only professional intervention will help keep them together.
The only consolation I can personally find in all these cases is in my statistics, which show that happy, sexually satisfied over-fifty couples outnumber the drop-outs by five to one. But this is far too high a proportion of drop-outs in any case, so my consolation is small.