If You Don't Want To Be A Sexual Drop-out, Read on!
Even if you are fifties-plus sexual drop-out already, this does not mean that you have to remain one, but you have to make up your mind to change things yourself. It is never too late to improve your sex life, and it's not hard to do so, though it requires a little patience and perseverance to be successful.
For men in midlife (and their partners)
First of all, I think you have to adapt yourself to the changes you undergo at this time. You have to accept that you simply cannot do all the things that you have been able to do in the past, because the body with which you did them is naturally aging. On the other hand, attention to fitness and self-care will mean that you can maintain a good level of health, both physical and sexual.
A man who, in his younger days, enjoyed sex and made love frequently, may get into a bit of a panic when he suddenly realizes that, at fifty-five or so, he wants to make love much less often. "Wants" is the operative word here. He made love frequently because his sex drive made him want to. Now his reduced sex drive makes him want to enjoy sex once or twice a week - or less often - but, when he does, his pleasure is just as great as always.
Past fifty years of age, the sexual glands begin to slow down and produce reduced quantities of their secretions. It follows, therefore, that the seminal vesicles take longer to fill up, and since the pressure within them may have some influence on how often a man feels he wants sex, his need for sex may feel progressively less frequent. If you're a man who's made the discovery you want sex much less often, there is no reason to panic; indeed, worrying that you're on the verge of impotence may actually make you impotent. Nor does the fact that you are making love less often automatically mean that your orgasms are going to be less satisfying.
All sexual responses differ not only from man to man, but also as time goes by within the same man, even when he is at the peak of his sexual capacity. How much you want sex depends on all kinds of factors: psychological, emotional, physical and hormonal.
Women and aging
The operation of women's sex-drive is not so routine as men's. (Mind you, a man's sex drive isn't just hormonally driven - psychological factors are also involved, though it's likely that the main source of his libido is hormonal.) But a woman's sex drive seems to be much less dependent on hormones and more on a sense of emotional closeness to her partner......at least, that is the conventional view, although plenty of experts claim that women have just as strong a sex drive as men, but are socially conditioned not to feel it or express it.
There is, however, still a tremendous amount of research to be done on the subject of the female sex drive. The influence of hormones on the female sex drive is clearly seen in the fact that most women experience a rise in the frequency and intensity of their desire to make love during ovulation; that is, when the egg is released from the ovaries. Many women also report that they have an upsurge of desire during menstruation, when a new wave of hormone production is taking place.
Fortunately, the ovaries continue to produce their hormones after the menopause, though a very slow process of decline continues. However, a woman's psychological outlook is a potent factor in her desire to make love in later years. It's a fact that many post-menopausal women have completely changed in their attitude towards, and experience of, sex.
One reason for this is that many women fear an unwanted pregnancy. With the cessation of the menstrual flow, a woman suddenly realizes that she has been released from this fear. She can now relax as she and her partner make love, she can receive his penis with real ecstasy, and she can enjoy a truly mind-blowing climax with him. She may also find a new expression of her sexuality, one which allows her to initiate sex and then take the lead as sex progresses. Depending on how secure her partner feels in his own sexuality, he may or may not respond to these new initiatives on her part. If he's doubtful of his ability to perform because of his fears and insecurities around his own midlife changes, he may respond with anxiety.
Imagine such a woman, happy to rediscover her sexuality, meeting indifference from a man who is not motivated to respond. The seeds of bitterness this can generate may cloud the relationship for the remainder of their years together. I shall talk in the next chapter about the practical aspects of the duty of both partners towards one another: but I would say that in my experience, although a woman more easily withdraws from sex than a man, when she does make up her mind to enjoy it, she does so with more enthusiasm than many men. The man whose partner takes on a new pleasure in sex after the menopause is very misguided if he does not do his level best to give her what she wants and receive from her what she is so anxious to give because of his laziness, fear of his own inability to get erect or ejaculate, or because of his self-doubt.
The menopause itself can be a trying time not only for the woman, but for her partner as well. He needs both patience and understanding when his partner goes through this experience, with all the emotions it generates. But I have the impression that women who are sexually satisfied before the menopause have a far greater chance of passing through the menopause with the least discomfort and the least psychological distress.
Moreover, if a regular and fulfilling sex life with normal variety and sexual experimentation is continued throughout the years of the menopause, a woman will find it much easier to cope with. She may have occasional hot flushes, occasional irregularity of menstruation, but the anxiety with which so many women anticipate the menopause will be absent, and she will be much more likely to keep her psychological balance through this midlife time.
Ideally, the menopause, like everything else to do with sex, whether the best or the worst, is discussed, shared and communicated by man and woman together. The woman feels a need to talk about what is happening, so her man can support and affirm her sexuality as she goes through whatever changes are happening.
During and after the menopause (and sometimes in the years leading up to it), reduced amounts of estrogen causes the lining of the vagina to thin and possibly become sensitive to the penis moving inside it. There is a simple remedy for this. Estrogen, either in the form of injection, tablets by mouth, or suppositories in the vagina, will thicken the lining of the vagina and help repair the damage.
I have known quite a number of post-menopausal women who have said that a secondary reason for their decision not to have physical sex any more is that they find it ridiculously unromantic making love with a corpulent, wheezing husband, whose penis, never long at the best of times, has become so retiring under its overhang of belly that it is scarcely able to make contact with the vagina entrance, let alone penetrate it in a straightforward way. The adjustments that have to be made make every session of sex seem artificial and certainly not spontaneous, natural and romantic. Most women who make criticisms of this kind have a good deal of justification on their side. Men who let themselves go physically go to seed far more rapidly and more thoroughly than any woman; and one has to admit that the attempts at love-making of a 'paunchy, wheezing lover,' besides being unromantic, are also likely to be ineffectual from both parties' point of view. Men who allow themselves to run to seed are failing as much in their duty to their partners as women who cannot be bothered to keep themselves physically attractive.
Fat forms on other parts of the body. The neck thickens, bulges of fat appear under the arms, the buttocks become more prominent, the breasts take on a discernible feminine formation. Mostly this is due in men to lack of fitness training or activity of the muscles in middle-age; whereas in women this is a far less important cause, the main source of female fat being the change in hormones during the menopause, plus overeating as a comfort activity, perhaps compensating for loss or lack of sex. Some men also overeat to compensate for their loss of sex, and with both men and women the whole process becomes viciously circular.
Before I move on, let me make a brief allusion to a point connected with obesity and potency - that is, the ability of the man to have an erection - which I shall be dealing with in more detail when I come to consider impotence. The penis achieves erection by the inflow of blood into the spaces of the spongy tissue. If a man is really corpulent then the fat weakens his general circulation, and not so much blood is available at a given moment for building up an erection.
Since the sex hormones that are among those most sharply affected by the changes taking place inside our bodies as we move into middle- and old-age anyhow, it is easy to see what an important part diet plays in our sex lives at a time when other pressures are already being exerted and which affect our sex drive and our physical capacity for sex. Ideally, every man and woman past fifty should first make a determined effort to get rid of as much of their excess fat as they possibly can, and secondly, to work out a balanced, high protein diet.
Excess fat, besides having the effects I have described above, also creates physical difficulties which affect a couple's ability to enjoy sexual intercourse. Let us take, for example, the couple where the wife is slim or slimmish and the man has a definite paunch. Unless the man has an above-average-length penis, he is going to have difficulty in penetrating the vagina even half-way. This may not worry him unduly because he will have a satisfactory orgasm whether the penis is an inch, four inches, or seven or eight inches inside the vagina. For the woman, however, it is a different matter, because very often there comes a stage during sex when she feels a need for deep penetration. If she is deprived of it, her orgasm may not be as satisfying. When both partners are fat, this difficulty is accentuated, for a woman with a fat belly almost invariably has prominent buttocks, so that even a rear-entry sex position is of little avail, when the prominent female buttocks are juxtaposed to the prominent male belly.
Alcohol also has a definite effect on the ability to enjoy sexual intercourse. A little alcohol may stir sexual desire and, by acting as a stimulant, may liven up even somewhat staid relationships. Very definitely, however, intoxication affects a man's potency. When a man is slightly drunk ejaculation occurs earlier than normal because alcohol acts as a local irritant on the urinary passage. Heavier drinking has exactly the opposite effect - it delays ejaculation, and sometimes prevents it from taking place at all. Ejaculation may, in fact, be delayed so long that the penis goes limp and cannot be coaxed back into erection. Indeed, the regular heavy drinker may not be able to achieve an erection at all. Apart from these obstacles to successful intercourse, heavy drinking over a long time causes the testicles to shrink, inhibits the production of sperm, and in women it causes menstrual irregularities.
Smoking, too, has a direct bearing on sexual capacity. It prevents full erection, if it does not cause full impotence.
Apart from these influences on our sexual lives which our eating and social habits may have, the sexual apparatus itself is subject to various changes which affect its performance. Masters and Johnson were the first to discover that the couple who are sexually more active up to, say, forty years of age retain the ability to have intercourse - and do so - into old-age; while those who enjoyed sex only occasionally lose the ability to have intercourse - and do not do so past middle-age. In other words, the more exercise the sexual apparatus gets between the ages of eighteen and forty the longer it will continue to function in old-age.
The drop-outs from sex are, by and large, in the group who have not made love with any degree of frequency during the peak period (and after) of their sexual lives. If they have not masturbated either, in middle-age some experts believe the penis begins to shrink, and erections seem to become less firm. Similarly, if the seminal vesicles and the prostate are not stimulated by fairly frequent orgasms, they lose their maximum capacity for producing their respective secretions, and this is equally true of the testicles and their production of sperms and hormones.
Although a man's fertility rate loses all significance after a woman has passed the menopause (at least as far as his wife or partner is concerned), the continued proper functioning of his prostate and seminal vesicles remains an important consideration. They must be looked after, and the best way of doing so is by having regular sex.
If you have decided after reading this that you have become, or are on the verge of becoming, a drop-out from sex and that you would really prefer not being one, you still have the power to enjoy sex to the full. First, take the trouble to slim the excess flesh off your body. Then ensure that you have a properly balanced high protein diet. Regulate your drinking of alcohol and your smoking. With your body as a whole toned up - which will also make your attitude to life, and especially your sexual relationship, much more positive - then I would suggest that men undertake for a short time the following course of exercises to tone up your sexual muscles.
Exercise 1
Lying just behind the scrotum and surrounding the root of the penis (which lies within the body) are a number of muscles. When the penis is erect, if these muscles are contracted they cause it to give a jerk upwards towards the belly. These muscles are those which force the semen along the urethra and out of the penis opening, and when they are doing this, they operate involuntarily, i.e. of their own accord.
With a little practice a man can teach himself to contract these muscles voluntarily. When you're having sex, it's useful to be able to do this with the penis in the vagina. This way gives the woman a special thrill; this first exercise, then, is designed either to develop mastery over this muscle for the first time, or to redevelop control.
The exercise can be carried out with the penis limp, though it will not cause the penis to jump, as it will do when erect. First, find the muscle with a finger placed on the perineum - the ridge behind the scrotum running to the anus. Press firmly, but not so firmly that it hurts, and then contract your muscles as though you were trying to expel the last few jets of urine as you do when going to the lavatory.
Because of this finger-pressure, you will have to do the exercise, to begin with, in private. But once you have got a little strength into the muscle and can jerk it slightly, using your finger will no longer be necessary. Then you can do the exercise anywhere you like - standing for a bus, sitting in the train, riding an escalator, sitting at your desk, while you are shaving - at any odd moment. No one will be able to tell!
I recommend, even when you can control the muscle so vigorously that you can lift your erect penis upwards through an arc of one inch, that you carry out the exercise three or four times a day, contracting the muscles a dozen times each time.
If you find that drops of Cowper's gland lubricating fluid flow from the tip of the penis while you are doing the exercise, don't worry! In fact, you are stimulating these glands, too, by the exercise.
Exercise 2
Rather higher up in the pelvis, surrounding the urethra, is another similar set of muscles which do actually have the function of cutting off the stream of urine. These can be controlled, and strengthened too. The best way of doing so is by giving them a few extra fillips each time you go to the lavatory after you have expelled the final spurt of urine. The fact that they have already been used to expel the last jets of urine will make it easier for you to keep their movement going.
Exercise 3
Stand with your feet about ten inches apart - more for those with long legs - and brace your legs firmly.
Take a deep breath, and as you do so:
(a) draw the stomach muscles in and up as far as they will go, and
(b) clench the muscles of the buttocks.
While maintaining all three of these tensions - holding breath, drawing in stomach muscles, and clenching the buttocks - rotate the hips one way for so long as holding your breath does not become painful.
Relax, repeat the tensions and rotate the hips in the opposite direction.
Exercise 4
Lie on your back, arms spread out at an angle of forty-five degrees to the trunk. Press the forearms and palms firmly against the ground. Raise both legs vertically, keeping them straight but not tense, open them so that the feet are about eighteen inches apart. Move the right leg back towards the trunk, four or five inches, and the left the same distance forward. Still keeping the legs straight and the toes pointed, move both legs inwards to cross them as far as possible. Return to V position. Now move the left leg back and the right leg forward, and cross them in the opposite position.
Repeat these movements six to eight times. Lower the legs and relax completely until the breathing is normal and all sensations of strain in the thighs have disappeared. If you are reasonably fit, you should be able to do this exercise between six and ten times at any one session, with two sessions a day.
Exercise 5
This exercise should be used on alternate days with exercise 4. On the floor in the same position, raise the legs vertically, then lower the feet until the lower parts of the legs are at right angles with the thighs. Part the knees sideways, keeping the inner edges of the feet together, drawing the feet inwards towards you.
Stop immediately you feel strain in the groin. Return the legs to the original position before repeating. This exercises which becomes easier and more rhythmic with practice, should not be repeated more than ten times a session, with two sessions a day.
Exercise 6
Stand three or four feet, depending on your height, from a table, bed-rail, or other firm support of approximately waist height. Lean forward with the legs straight, placing the palms of the hands on the edge of the support, with the arms extended. You should balance yourself so that your weight is more or less equally distributed between the feet and the hands. With the buttock muscles tensed, and without bending either arms or legs, thrust the pelvis forward and upward as far as possible until you feel a slight strain in the small of your back. Withdraw in the same arc, and repeat continuously, gradually working up to forty of fifty arcs at each session, with two sessions a day.
The two sessions a day need only be carried out until you feel you have got all the muscles in good working order. But carry them out every other day. You will find that they are not only good for their special purpose, but they also keep the stomach muscles taut and so reduce the paunch.
Exercises for women
Women need to exercise the PC muscle, so that they maintain good sexual health and vaginal tautness. Exercises designed to do this can be found here.
You should now be in good condition to enjoy better sex (and more of it).